A girl can hope right?

Or maybe I should just let it go? I like this girl, I can’t deny it. But it’s all about timing. For about a week I hadn’t heard too much from her, until I told her I for reals want to hang out before she leaves for spring break. I felt like I was even annoying her, because she had midterms that week and l was probably the last thing on her mind. But she tried to reassure me that she also wants to hang out and “see where we are at.”
Welp, I guess in the end my mind had changed a bit, and hers went the other direction. She doesn’t know what she wants and I guess in the end neither do i. But I never do. All I know is that everything just kind of melts when I’m around her.

Like when she sang a Corinne Bailey Rae cover at this open mic a couple weeks ago. I had to turn away for a second…melt.

Dad came back

And I’m not sure if I’m more disappointed in my mom, or my dad. My dad did his usual guilt trip, and my mom ended up calling him the next day to tell him she was worried about him sleeping in the truck. She invited him back in the house. And although it seems she hasn’t stopped living even when his bad energy is around, she doesn’t understand that she’s enabling him. And although I’m worried about my dad, too, it’s about time we stop worrying about him and gain our sanity back. We’ve worried about him our whole lives. is dad going to be drunk at dinner again? Is he going to say something stupid to my friend? Should I cancel the party since my dad is going to be here? Is he going to remember to come to my
choir concert this time?

I’m emotionally drained. And really it’s gotten to the point where I feel the one thing that can truly revive me is sand and salt water. I seriously need some west coast waves and sunsets in my life. It’s been over a year.
My dad has everything he could ever need. I don’t think I’ll ever understand what it is he wants. Because it obviously isn’t us. And it seems like it never has been. And now, because of it, I feel I have this complex that I have an initial freak out when someone doesn’t want me like I want them. I’m trying to get over that.
My ex girlfriend was pretty good at keeping me around. She said once that someone told her she was manipulative, and at that time I didn’t want to believe it. She just seemed so sweet and innocent. And now I look back and yeah, she kind of was. But as I look back, part of me wishes I had taken some of that manipulation, and learned how to do it, just to keep my dad around. And then reality hits. What’s the point if he’ll never truly understand what it means to be a dad. He never has, and he never will.
I just hope one day, if I have kids or adopt them, that I truly will embody being a parent. Like all of it, without excuses. And I hope if I’m with someone, he or she doesn’t turn out to be like my dad. I really hope it’s not true that we stay with what we know.

Friday Date Night

My friend was in town from the West Coast and asked me to go to the Museum and dinner Friday night. I wasn’t sure to accept it as just friends hanging out and getting to know each other better, or more. So I went into Friday night with a clear mind, ready to make the best of whatever was to follow.
I’m pretty sure it was a date. We never had an awkward moment, like the waiter didn’t ask if we were together or separate. I always hate when that happens. It’s happened a few times where neither of us want to say. Oh, and he paid for everything, wouldn’t let me pay a cent. One thing I always enjoyed about our friendship is that we dive into deep philosophical questions without trying. Or we aren’t afraid to ask each other personal questions. Though, keep in mind, we aren’t even that close. Like he’s a good friends friend and was only around here for a hot minute before skipping town again. Like one time, it was his last night before moving out west, and he posted on Facebook that he’d be at the coffee shop if anyone wanted to hang. I don’t know if anyone showed up. But I did without letting him know. And the first minute was silent, just sipping our coffee. Then I asked if he was scared. We talked it out, and the one thing that stuck out was, “you have to be ready to leave. No matter where you are, even if you hate the place. You have to be ready to go. I wasn’t ready the first time around.” That has always stuck with me since then. I always ask myself if I’m ready, really ready.
But yeah I got sidetracked. In other words, we can either say a lot, or very little. And no matter how much comes out of our mouths I always feel fulfilled by our time together. It’s always warm, and calm.
Usually. Until we went to the third stop to get a second round of drinks. He kept mentioning how hot he was. Granted, he’s pretty fine. But it was like 30 degrees out and sweater/coat weather. I was toasty and feeling great. After a while, the bartender asked, “Is it hot in here?” So of course we wrote off his hotflash as normal. Ten minutes later, he wanted to go home.
He woke up that night at 4am, vomiting. I felt like crap! We went to eat dinner at the place I suggested! And he got sick! Not just that, he only had a few days left in town and was supposed to see his extended family the next day. But guess what? He didn’t because he got sick from the restaurant I suggested! Did I mention he got sick from the place I said we should eat at? I still feel so bad.
So I went over the next day with coconut water and veggie broth.
Yup. Made him sick on the first date. I must be a keeper…

He called on Christmas Eve

He didn’t call me for 5 months. Not after a tornado, bad weather, and after hearing that I ended up in a ditch. Not after my Mom refused to stop telling him my life. He texted me a few times, usually photos of paintings he was working on. I don’t know what he expected to come of it, that I would write back how talented he is? How it’s about freaking time he did something he enjoyed, instead of always complaining how much he didn’t have time for it.

But I guess my dad had time to call me finally, on Christmas Eve. And of course, I was having a nice, cozy dinner with Evangelista and her awesome family. I wasn’t about to answer the phone because he finally realized we hadn’t talked in months.

So I waited until Christmas day to call him back. I didn’t want to FaceTime him, but he did try the night before, so I figured it was only fair to give him a chance at it. Sooo, I FaceTimed him, and he sat there for a few seconds holding back tears. Yeah I missed him, but I wanted so badly to be able to reach through that phone and knock his head. This call could have happened months ago. And sure I could have called him, but he would have missed the point if I had. Or so I thought.

Small talk ensued and then I asked about the Christmas card he had sent. The first line read “I haven’t called because I know you don’t want me to.” He said well you didn’t. “Damnet Dad, no. You weren’t listening. I said call me when you are ready to stop lying to me. At this point, I gave up hoping you’d stop drinking. But I couldn’t take the lying.” And with all seriousness, he said, “Oh, then I must have read that wrong.”

And there went 5 months of not talking.

See I thought my dad was hardhead, but shit, not this hardheaded. I asked if he was done, done drinking I meant. And he said he was. I guess I won’t believe it until it hits a year.

He never did say he wouldn’t lie to me anymore.

Being alone…

Isn’t too bad when you have some things in your life to make it easier. Like a heat pack! My back and shoulders are constantly in knead of a massage. Bah! I know stupid. But a heat pack helps. I feel asleep with one on my shoulders last night and I feel absolutely amazing today. I massaged some kinks and knots and although only a professional could get them out, the attention I was finally paying to myself paid off. Hm, what next? A little self tlc goes a long way.

How To Be Alone

A friend just posted this on Facebook. I recently cut out someone from my life, Cigarette Lips. It took him a while to say the words, “I don’t feel the same for you as you do me,” even after asking him 4 times to say those words aloud. With his hesitation, and his hysterical begging to still talk to him afterwards, I realized he was full of shit. A part of me still wants him to admit how he feels, but he said what I asked him to instead. In the end, I’m left having to take those words and act on them. I know I’m terrible at getting over him since I definitely failed the first time around. But this video, this small reminder that I can at least be okay with being alone. I forget how valuable I am, just me, alone. My thoughts and work and actions and singing and dancing and all my ability and love. I have so much to offer, I forget to offer it to myself.

So although I can’t control who I end up falling in love with, I can remember to keep my love for myself burning strong. Because I should, I can, and I deserve it.

Could he just admit it?

I want him to just say the words, “I don’t like you that way.” I think it’s gotten to that point. If he can’t say it, then he’s not over me. He’s also someone that’s terrible at lying. I’m so incredibly nervous to bring it up, but if I don’t I’ll go absolutely insane.
If he says it, then hopefully I can get the closure I need to get over it. Or I should just listen to Elizabeth Gilbert…

Stop wearing a wishbone where your backbone ought to be.>

Realizing my “Daddy Issues”

My mom called me a couple days ago. I prepared myself to hear the usual updates on the father and his everlasting alcoholic condition. 

“I confronted him again about not talking to you. He said that you made it very clear you didn’t want to talk to him. So I asked, ‘Are you sure about that? Because from what I understood she wanted you to contact her when you were ready to stop lying.’ Then he said to me, ‘Well haven’t you thought maybe I’m not ready?'”

There was a droning pause between us. She knew that hit me hard in the gut.

“I told him he was selfish. I said, ‘Really? You’re willing to risk losing your daughter because you can’t stop lying?’ I told him that my opinion hasn’t changed, and it won’t until he makes it change. Then he got down on his knees and begged me, as if that was going to change anything.”

I always knew that the Latino Machismo attitude was very prevalent in my father’s personality, but never did I think it could get this bad. I almost convinced myself that he honestly didn’t understand my long email back in January, or my straight-forward texts messages. But he had. He understands them to the core and still refuses to do anything about it. He literally admitted he has been lying, and also stated that he isn’t ready to stop lying. 

My doubt in my decision to stop talking to him almost took over. I was so close to giving him a call to tell him how stupid he was and that I missed him.

Something I have learned from this that I never realized before: my “Daddy Issues” are a lot more serious than I had thought. In romantic relationships, I always end up coming back. I don’t stay true to my word and always hope the second time around, things have changed. They never do. My last girlfriend happened this same way, and this guy I’m now interested is going the same direction. I let him in again and I probably shouldn’t have. People don’t take me seriously, they think I’m too much of a softie and I’ll come running back. I usually do, but it’s not because I’m a “softie,” it’s because I always see the good in people.

That ability to see the good in people has been skewed to mean that I’m naive and too optimistic for my own good. Recently, the man I’m interested in now (and again) said that the first time around he saw “red flags.” I asked him what he meant by that, and he said I was naive and optimistic. This assumption that I’m naive drives me crazy, and makes me laugh at times. It usually comes from a lack of actually knowing my experiences, a lack of understanding how my Mother raised me to be, but most importantly (and more oftenly) the fact that my optimism scares the shit out of people that fear failure. It leaves me questioning who is the one in the situation that is truly naive. I’m not scared to fail, because that just proves one way things shouldn’t be. I’m scared of never trying, then laying on my deathbed cursing at the moon and the stars “Why didn’t I just try? What the hell did I have to lose but maybe some more heartbreak?” I can get over heartbreak, I have before. 

And I will again. 

Cigarette lips and my intern

About 2 weeks ago she said she hadn’t hung out with him in over a month. Recently his name has come up in my stories about my day and I have a feeling that’s why she’s been making an effort to see him. He’s suddenly attractive to her. And he’s completely into the attention. It’s awkward on many levels. I’m friends with my intern, and of course, she’s my intern. So that puts me in a weird position–a place where I’m helpless and can only walk away. I guess that’s that.

Cologne

So I was scared to ask him. I didn’t know what his reaction would be. I had dinner with The Thinker and it occurred to me that it wasn’t the first time I’ve sat there wondering if this dinner was a date of some sort. I don’t know, maybe closer to a date as more than friends? So throughout the hour it popped in my head, and I would ignore the question. Then of course, the waiter asks how we want to do the check. The Thinker looks down at the table, as if waiting for me to decide. So automatically, after a second of uncertainty, I just say “separate.”
This encounter has happened to me before, and I’m sure to others, with friends that want to be more and friends you wish were more. Sometimes awkwardness stays thick in the air.
With him it wasn’t awkward. I said to myself, “he did just talk about having $40 to his name, so that could be why.” Then I felt like a fucking idiot and wanted to call the waiter back to just pay for both checks. Some friend I am.
In the end, I was sad to see him go. I burrowed myself into his chest when we hugged. I’m not sure of it was a conscience decision, or I sub- consciencly knew that later on i’d still smell his cologne.
His cologne is rather soothing. And so is he. This week I cut my dad out of my life, a childhood friend passed away in a motorcycle accident (not the first of my friends), and a past best friend is rocky in the standings. I also left work early twice. I never leave work early. The stress is probably causing me to get sick. Yet, here I am, as relaxed as that time laying in the hammock.
I’m in the best mood I’ve been in a while.