My ex-friend that cheated on my friend with my best friend

I’m glad I’ve gotten to a point with him where I can joke, but you know, not really joke at all. I mean, he did screw over my two best friends, putting me in the middle of it. I lost my best friend for a while, my sister. It hurts now to think of the time we didn’t talk, because of what happened.

I’m over it though. I miss her and I talk to her every so often. My other best friend, the one he cheated on with other best friend, I see everyday. She has this odd gift where she can quickly forgive people. I’m envious of it. And if this is getting confusing, good. Because it was confusing as fuck for me.

Him and I went for a walk recently, the first time I had actually talked to him since it all went down in the beginning of August. He apologized…finally. I accepted it but told him I cant forgive him yet, I’m not ready. I also told him that my (now ex) girlfriend told me once that I hold grudges on people. I told him she was right in some respect, but grudge may be the wrong word for it. I hold my friends to such high esteem, speak so highly of them to other people, that when they let me down, I fall that much farther from the height. It hurts that much more. So I told him forgiveness would come eventually, but I’m not ready yet, because I really looked up to him.

He accepted that. Then continued to blabber on about how the two people I love, my two best friends, he also loves….blah blah. And that a bus ticket to DC was so damn expensive..blah blah. And he was all sorts of sad and whatever. And you know, oddly enough, it worked. I felt bad for him, but not in the “Oh poor you, what a sad story, let me know if you need anything,” kind of way, but the “Oh wow, you have seriously changed and you truly think you’re the victim.” He then asked what I needed from him, so I said space until I’m ready.

He likes to read poetry about her at readings. Even his poetry has changed, and the way he reads it. His pauses are way too long, he holds out words that don’t make sense holding out, and he sometimes looks like he’s going to cry. I’ve seen him perform before all this. Now, I wonder who he’s trying to convince of his words–us, her, or himself?

After the reading we all walked back, other best friend and him. Other best friend seems to be fine with him now. They talk and hang out, talk about poetry things, and she explained it to me earlier today, “What’s the use in being negative anymore? It takes too much energy out of my day I could be using for other things.” I think she also wanted her friend back, and hopefully he won’t fuck that up, too.

On the way home, he thanked me for coming to the show. I said, “Please, I didn’t go to see you, I went for her.” He said he knew and that he was just glad I didn’t get up to leave during his poems (that were mainly about best friend). “I wouldn’t do that, but I do want to deck you.” Nervous laughter.

I guess other best friend was right, it’s so much more fun just saying how you feel to him, let it all out. You get over it faster. I have to say, I also don’t mind seeing him laugh nervously.

Did I mention? During our walk when he asked me what I needed from him, I told him never to fuck with my friends again.


The Break Up

We started with a walk. I told her to slow down. Later when talking over the beginning of our relationship, she told me that moment is when she knew I liked her. I wanted to walk slower and savor the moment with her.

On our walk home tonight, I told her we needed to talk. She agreed with that fact that we needed to break up, but then got really defensive with me, putting blame on me for avoiding her lately without really saying it out loud. She didn’t leave room for me to talk, so I let her get everything out, making me feel like shit with everything she said.

We walked up the stairs to the house and I asked if we could sit on the couch to talk it out. I could tell she was still defensive, ready to snap back at anything I said. I didn’t care if she wanted me to leave her alone. I had plenty of things to get off my chest that needed to be heard.

I told her I cared about her, and that we just weren’t compatible. We’ve talked about our issues, tried to fix them multiple times. We’re both tired, therefore, not happy. She agreed but then said she was angry, that we tried so hard and it failed.

That was confirmation #2 for breaking up with her. If you didn’t get it already, confirmation #1 was how she initially made me feel like shit.

Confirmation #3 was when her insecurities arose, yet again. We talked about one of my friends, and how he might have feelings for me. This has been a reoccurring problem, not just with him. She thought it was acceptable for her to talk to him if I didn’t, to ask his intentions with me. And once again I had to explain to her that means she doesn’t trust my judgement. I told her I could handle myself and if I ever doubted that I wasn’t too proud to ask for her help. All of this, nothing that is new. So I guess confirmation #3.5, because this is still an issue no matter how many times I’ve tried to reassure her.

#4? She went upstairs mid-sentence to bring down a scrapbook she has been working on for me. I knew it existed, and I knew through others how much time and money she had spent on it already. She gave it to me and said she couldn’t look at it anymore. The confirmation? The fact that I knew her intention was to make me feel guilty. So I called her out.

Good thing, too. Because she then realized a bit latter that she was taking it all out on me. I told her i had to leave tonight. She said that it was nothing different, so I called her out again on her snarkiness. She again apologized and we hugged for probably way too long.

I hope she believes me when I tell her I plan on being her friend, that I’m only leaving for a while.

She doesn’t understand that it takes time. Not a day or a week like last time, but months, and hopefully not years.

I didn’t think we would end with a walk. But this time I didn’t want to slow down to doubt the decision I had already made.