Cologne

So I was scared to ask him. I didn’t know what his reaction would be. I had dinner with The Thinker and it occurred to me that it wasn’t the first time I’ve sat there wondering if this dinner was a date of some sort. I don’t know, maybe closer to a date as more than friends? So throughout the hour it popped in my head, and I would ignore the question. Then of course, the waiter asks how we want to do the check. The Thinker looks down at the table, as if waiting for me to decide. So automatically, after a second of uncertainty, I just say “separate.”
This encounter has happened to me before, and I’m sure to others, with friends that want to be more and friends you wish were more. Sometimes awkwardness stays thick in the air.
With him it wasn’t awkward. I said to myself, “he did just talk about having $40 to his name, so that could be why.” Then I felt like a fucking idiot and wanted to call the waiter back to just pay for both checks. Some friend I am.
In the end, I was sad to see him go. I burrowed myself into his chest when we hugged. I’m not sure of it was a conscience decision, or I sub- consciencly knew that later on i’d still smell his cologne.
His cologne is rather soothing. And so is he. This week I cut my dad out of my life, a childhood friend passed away in a motorcycle accident (not the first of my friends), and a past best friend is rocky in the standings. I also left work early twice. I never leave work early. The stress is probably causing me to get sick. Yet, here I am, as relaxed as that time laying in the hammock.
I’m in the best mood I’ve been in a while.

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