I’ve realized that I can’t afford to move out. I can’t afford the time, the money, or the stress. But the stress part could be a lot more short term thinking. In the long run, feeling free in my own house could outweigh the stress from having to pay higher rent. If I hadn’t already experienced feeling uncomfortable and not welcomed in my own house then I probably wouldn’t consider this viewpoint.
So now I’ll ignore the rest of the house. I will use it for my needs and that is all.
I’ve begun to rethink my space. My room is not a place to store my needless things. It is now a place to rest, a place to make art, a place that keeps me warm in the winter. It is not anything more than four walls, separating myself from the rest that can’t seem to understand me.
I feel like my last statement was out of a terrible scifi movie.
Well I guess that’s what happens when people let their ignorance get the best of them. I won’t have it. I thought they knew me better. If they didn’t then, they do now.
I want to free my space of all unnecessary items that won’t relax me, help me in my artwork, clothe me, help me sleep, or make me look less like shit in the morning after getting 2 hours of sleep. I want to be able to have my work setup at all times. I want to see it when I wake up, use it throughout the day, and see if when I fall asleep. I want my work to be a part of my everyday, like it used to be. It’s a shame the time I’ve spent away from it, hoping the spark would come back. I’ve finally realized, when I’m in an environment like the one I’m in, I have to fight to keep the flame lit. All my energy lately has been negative towards my space. I wake up asking, “Why am I here again? What was it that I was expecting out of agreeing to live with close-minded people?” I remember once convincing myself that it would be good for me. As close-minded as I perceive them to be, they probably perceive me the same way. I kind of knew something would go wrong, and hoped that it would open my eyes to the amount of ignorance in the world, thus, canceling out my own ignorance of this reality. I think it worked, but I failed to accept the possible severity of a situation. And then one arose that threw me for a loop.
My friend told me the other day, “You have a home here as long as I’m here.” So I have to keep on keepin on. He may or may not have known how much of an inspiration he was when he said that, and how much he still inspires me.
Home is where you’re loved.