I’m glad I’ve gotten to a point with him where I can joke, but you know, not really joke at all. I mean, he did screw over my two best friends, putting me in the middle of it. I lost my best friend for a while, my sister. It hurts now to think of the time we didn’t talk, because of what happened.
I’m over it though. I miss her and I talk to her every so often. My other best friend, the one he cheated on with other best friend, I see everyday. She has this odd gift where she can quickly forgive people. I’m envious of it. And if this is getting confusing, good. Because it was confusing as fuck for me.
Him and I went for a walk recently, the first time I had actually talked to him since it all went down in the beginning of August. He apologized…finally. I accepted it but told him I cant forgive him yet, I’m not ready. I also told him that my (now ex) girlfriend told me once that I hold grudges on people. I told him she was right in some respect, but grudge may be the wrong word for it. I hold my friends to such high esteem, speak so highly of them to other people, that when they let me down, I fall that much farther from the height. It hurts that much more. So I told him forgiveness would come eventually, but I’m not ready yet, because I really looked up to him.
He accepted that. Then continued to blabber on about how the two people I love, my two best friends, he also loves….blah blah. And that a bus ticket to DC was so damn expensive..blah blah. And he was all sorts of sad and whatever. And you know, oddly enough, it worked. I felt bad for him, but not in the “Oh poor you, what a sad story, let me know if you need anything,” kind of way, but the “Oh wow, you have seriously changed and you truly think you’re the victim.” He then asked what I needed from him, so I said space until I’m ready.
He likes to read poetry about her at readings. Even his poetry has changed, and the way he reads it. His pauses are way too long, he holds out words that don’t make sense holding out, and he sometimes looks like he’s going to cry. I’ve seen him perform before all this. Now, I wonder who he’s trying to convince of his words–us, her, or himself?
After the reading we all walked back, other best friend and him. Other best friend seems to be fine with him now. They talk and hang out, talk about poetry things, and she explained it to me earlier today, “What’s the use in being negative anymore? It takes too much energy out of my day I could be using for other things.” I think she also wanted her friend back, and hopefully he won’t fuck that up, too.
On the way home, he thanked me for coming to the show. I said, “Please, I didn’t go to see you, I went for her.” He said he knew and that he was just glad I didn’t get up to leave during his poems (that were mainly about best friend). “I wouldn’t do that, but I do want to deck you.” Nervous laughter.
I guess other best friend was right, it’s so much more fun just saying how you feel to him, let it all out. You get over it faster. I have to say, I also don’t mind seeing him laugh nervously.
Did I mention? During our walk when he asked me what I needed from him, I told him never to fuck with my friends again.