We started with a walk. I told her to slow down. Later when talking over the beginning of our relationship, she told me that moment is when she knew I liked her. I wanted to walk slower and savor the moment with her.
On our walk home tonight, I told her we needed to talk. She agreed with that fact that we needed to break up, but then got really defensive with me, putting blame on me for avoiding her lately without really saying it out loud. She didn’t leave room for me to talk, so I let her get everything out, making me feel like shit with everything she said.
We walked up the stairs to the house and I asked if we could sit on the couch to talk it out. I could tell she was still defensive, ready to snap back at anything I said. I didn’t care if she wanted me to leave her alone. I had plenty of things to get off my chest that needed to be heard.
I told her I cared about her, and that we just weren’t compatible. We’ve talked about our issues, tried to fix them multiple times. We’re both tired, therefore, not happy. She agreed but then said she was angry, that we tried so hard and it failed.
That was confirmation #2 for breaking up with her. If you didn’t get it already, confirmation #1 was how she initially made me feel like shit.
Confirmation #3 was when her insecurities arose, yet again. We talked about one of my friends, and how he might have feelings for me. This has been a reoccurring problem, not just with him. She thought it was acceptable for her to talk to him if I didn’t, to ask his intentions with me. And once again I had to explain to her that means she doesn’t trust my judgement. I told her I could handle myself and if I ever doubted that I wasn’t too proud to ask for her help. All of this, nothing that is new. So I guess confirmation #3.5, because this is still an issue no matter how many times I’ve tried to reassure her.
#4? She went upstairs mid-sentence to bring down a scrapbook she has been working on for me. I knew it existed, and I knew through others how much time and money she had spent on it already. She gave it to me and said she couldn’t look at it anymore. The confirmation? The fact that I knew her intention was to make me feel guilty. So I called her out.
Good thing, too. Because she then realized a bit latter that she was taking it all out on me. I told her i had to leave tonight. She said that it was nothing different, so I called her out again on her snarkiness. She again apologized and we hugged for probably way too long.
I hope she believes me when I tell her I plan on being her friend, that I’m only leaving for a while.
She doesn’t understand that it takes time. Not a day or a week like last time, but months, and hopefully not years.
I didn’t think we would end with a walk. But this time I didn’t want to slow down to doubt the decision I had already made.