I had my bags packed and was ready to go about an hour before we needed to leave for the airport. That has never happened in all my years of traveling. I guess it showed just how bad I wanted to leave that place.
I hugged my mom goodbye, and took in the scent of her perfume one last time. I still don’t know when I will smell it again. She cried as I told her she needed to do what she needed to do to be happy. “I’m not a kid anymore, Mom, so stop trying to protect me. I love you and I’m fine with whatever you choose. Just know that if you stay with him and nothing changes, I can’t come back. I’m tired.” She held me tighter and replied, “And you choose your life the way you want it. I will always love you.”
As we drove west towards the ocean, I kept thinking of how to word my goodbyes to my Dad. By then, feelings of resentment, love, frustration and exhaustion were all too familiar. All I could do was cry. He reached out and held my hand, trying to reassure me that everything would be okay. And I knew it would be.
Just then my mind cleared, allowing the lyrics of the song on the radio to fill it. “I don’t know why you say ‘Goodbye.’ I say ‘Hello, Hello, Hello.'” The Beatles. The Beatles and their way of simplifying a situation. So…”Hello, new beginnings.”
It was then that I realized everything was out of my hands. All I could do was offer my support and unconditional love.
Do what makes me happy to make them happy. That is all I can do. If that means making them happy, to make me happy, to make them happy…then so be it. But whatever it is, I can’t help others unless I help myself. I need to keep on keepin on.
“Sometimes it takes falling apart to see exactly how or what loosened the mortar. Sometimes we find we are responsible for the how & the what. As unpleasant as it is when it happens, one cannot help but appreciate these times for what you learn serves as a beacon. Of course this is only half the battle. Which means you’re already half way there.”
― Colleen Truscott Fry