Blood Stained Scarf

It’s been four weeks since Nadia got mugged. Two men followed her from the bus and pulled her into the alley by the bar down the street, beat her and took her purse.

To see the look in her eyes not even 5 minutes after it happened. Lost, confused, questioning why anyone would ever do something like that. Her false safe reality, her glass bubble, completely shattered to a trillion pieces. She looked at her hands, her scarf and jacket spotted with blood, and she looked at me with eyes asking “Why?” All I could say was that I was sorry. I’m sorry this is the reality women live on the daily in this country and many around the world. I’m sorry you will have to deal with this for the rest of your life. I’m sorry there was no way I could warn you enough. There was so way I could have warned her enough.

I’m conflicted with so many feelings. She is now experiencing the emotional roller coaster of post traumatic stress disorder, and at times I think, so am I. I have no energy left for myself. In saying that, I am also conflicted with how much attention I should be bringing to myself in this situation. Is it selfish of me to do so? All the monsters in my head are gnawing away at what I should or shouldn’t be doing, while I have daily 2-3 hours therapy sessions with Nadia. Friends have said, “I’ll be there for her when I can,” “I have to have a heart to heart with her,” “I bring it up but she’s hesitant so I stop there.” Then the second it’s me and Nadia, a waterfall of emotions so rough it hurts to stand up. Is it because I know what questions to ask? Is it because I’m around more by default? Is it because I was there 2 minutes after it happened, and I understand exactly how it all went down, so by default she rather be with someone she doesn’t have to explain it to again and again?

It reminds me of another situation where I gave my all to someone in need, only to later realize that she wouldn’t have done the same for me. It makes me wonder if my friends will actually act on what they say. In times of high stress and emotional turmoil, who are truly our friends? Are they only friends when it’s conveniently on a high, conveniently happy to bring their moods up?

I’ve been told that my resilience attracts people to spill their stories to me, to lean and depend on me. A blessing and a curse. Since she was mugged, my life has been work and Nadia. Friends have emotionally copped out and are there when it’s convenient for them. I’m starting to lose faith in them. I’m not asking to suddenly gain the resilience and the strength one needs to carry the weight, I’m asking for help in carrying something that is more layered than I could have imagined. People ask me how Nadia is doing all the time, instead of going straight to her, and in the process forget to ask how I am doing. Please help me carry the layers, take them to a safe space, pick them apart and let the layers cry and feel numb and feel whatever she feels at the moment. I can’t turn away from her until I’m confident that she has other shoulders to lean on. I can’t do it.

Allies are needed.

And I’m spent, exhausted. And I’m scared if I keep giving her my energy, I’ll have nothing left.


9 Months

It’s been nine months since the last time I wrote.
I have birthed a new version of myself.
Released from overbearing energy.
Long overdue.

I like her too much

And I think she’s pulling away.

There’s this communication theory or something like that, where when you know you’ll be leaving something or someone, even before you actually leave it or them, you begin to avoid that thing or person. It’s some defense mechanism called disassociation. If we wait until all is said and done to begin to pull away, by then it’s too hard and painful. We feel the need to be in control of that emotion.

So I think this is what’s happening. And maybe I like her too much.

Or maybe she’s bored of me. Who knows. Other priorities, other people, just other.

She just seemed so into me, then not.

I’m always the one to ask to hang out lately, and it seems like I’m a bother.
The last time I spent the night, we only kissed because I initiated it, and even then she was busy thinking about something else. Even in the morning when I said bye. No kiss. I got in my car and just cried. It sounds stupid maybe, but I’m tired of being desired by someone, then one day it all changes. I get attached and they go away. And although she hasn’t left just yet, I doubt I’m on her mind.

I have no control over anything, and I’m fine with that. I guess until I’m left feeling stupid and alone in it all. I just want to know what’s going through her mind, and what she wants.

I like you…. But..

At the beginning, Erin kept saying that’s what she was used to hearing. I wanted her to know that just because I didn’t want a relationship then it didn’t mean I was going anywhere. I like her, and no one else. But my last relationship was so rushed. And it ended terribly. My goal was not to end it, number 1. And number 2, to actually get to know her before putting labels on things. And timing is such a bitch right now!

Last night I asked her if I could call her my girlfriend. It got to the point where I knew I didn’t want anyone else. I want her. She answered with a very sleepy “yes”, which wasn’t convincing one bit. She fell right asleep and I stayed awake for at least another hour, wanting to talk about it but not wanting to wake her up. I had a very restless night, and when she asked how I slept I blamed it on her bed hogging. She does tend to do that.
And now I’m having such a restless day. I’m so anxious.
This morning on the way to her house I asked if she remembered me asking. She said only vaguely, so I recounted her sleepy response. Then she talked all about how during summer she’ll be way too busy, and she’ll feel bad not responding and giving me time.
My take? I like you, but… Not enough.


A girl can hope right?

Or maybe I should just let it go? I like this girl, I can’t deny it. But it’s all about timing. For about a week I hadn’t heard too much from her, until I told her I for reals want to hang out before she leaves for spring break. I felt like I was even annoying her, because she had midterms that week and l was probably the last thing on her mind. But she tried to reassure me that she also wants to hang out and “see where we are at.”
Welp, I guess in the end my mind had changed a bit, and hers went the other direction. She doesn’t know what she wants and I guess in the end neither do i. But I never do. All I know is that everything just kind of melts when I’m around her.

Like when she sang a Corinne Bailey Rae cover at this open mic a couple weeks ago. I had to turn away for a second…melt.

Dad came back

And I’m not sure if I’m more disappointed in my mom, or my dad. My dad did his usual guilt trip, and my mom ended up calling him the next day to tell him she was worried about him sleeping in the truck. She invited him back in the house. And although it seems she hasn’t stopped living even when his bad energy is around, she doesn’t understand that she’s enabling him. And although I’m worried about my dad, too, it’s about time we stop worrying about him and gain our sanity back. We’ve worried about him our whole lives. is dad going to be drunk at dinner again? Is he going to say something stupid to my friend? Should I cancel the party since my dad is going to be here? Is he going to remember to come to my
choir concert this time?

I’m emotionally drained. And really it’s gotten to the point where I feel the one thing that can truly revive me is sand and salt water. I seriously need some west coast waves and sunsets in my life. It’s been over a year.
My dad has everything he could ever need. I don’t think I’ll ever understand what it is he wants. Because it obviously isn’t us. And it seems like it never has been. And now, because of it, I feel I have this complex that I have an initial freak out when someone doesn’t want me like I want them. I’m trying to get over that.
My ex girlfriend was pretty good at keeping me around. She said once that someone told her she was manipulative, and at that time I didn’t want to believe it. She just seemed so sweet and innocent. And now I look back and yeah, she kind of was. But as I look back, part of me wishes I had taken some of that manipulation, and learned how to do it, just to keep my dad around. And then reality hits. What’s the point if he’ll never truly understand what it means to be a dad. He never has, and he never will.
I just hope one day, if I have kids or adopt them, that I truly will embody being a parent. Like all of it, without excuses. And I hope if I’m with someone, he or she doesn’t turn out to be like my dad. I really hope it’s not true that we stay with what we know.

Massachusetts declares upskirt photos legal; outrage ensues

Yup… I swear us women are pissed. And we have every right to be.

Dr. Rebecca Hains

This week, Massachusetts’ Supreme Judicial Court has ruled that upskirt photographs are legal, sparking outrage across Massachusetts and beyond.

Upskirt photos are photographs taken from beneath a woman’s skirt to capture an image of her crotch area and underwear without her consent. They are a gross violation of privacy—but the court has decided that, as state law currently stands, women wearing skirts in public do not have a reasonable expectation of privacy.

Man taking an upskirt photo on a train Okay to upskirt? Surreptitiously taking photographs up women’s skirts is now legal in Massachusetts.

This decision came about when the state’s highest court ruled on the case of a man who secretly snapped photographs up women’s skirts and dresses on public transit in 2010. The court argued that because of the way the law (Mass. Gen. Laws ch. 272. sec. 105: Photographing, videotaping, or electronically surveilling partially nude or nude person; exceptions; punishment) is written, the man…

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Totally digging her

And the feeling seems to be mutual, but I haven’t actually heard her say it. I also have a feeling with all the shit I’ve been going through, that she just doesn’t want to get involved. I mean quite honestly, I don’t know who would. Life’s pretty crazy right now, and I really don’t expect anyone to be around for it. I also already told her to avoid getting the hero syndrome, like when someone just wants to swoop in and save you from whatever the hell is bringing you down. I told her no matter who it is, her, my family or friends, no one can change my mind but me. I’d like to think I’m doing a damn good job considering the circumstances.
Now I can’t help but think about what Sally calls the “self fulfilling prophecy.” That because I have these thoughts, thats the exact direction my life will head.
So I guess in this, and in general, I’m trying to stay positive but give space. Because shit, I bet I can get annoying.

People tend to leave

My dad left last Saturday, refusing to tell anyone where he was going. Before he had left, and before I knew about it I texted him telling him to stop trying to contact me. I blocked his number and deleted him from Facebook. Today was my first normal feeling day since, although that underlying uneasiness won’t ever go away. I’ve recently realized that I’ve had many people die in my lifetime, all 24 years of it. I know, I’m old. I first took notice of it almost a year ago when one of my best friend Michelle’s grandpa died. She had such a difficult time with it, and although I empathized with her, it felt so normal to see someone in a casket. I knew him, too. He was a phenomenal man with an awesome track record and national recognition. So I could imagine that constantly being reminded by newspaper articles and her grandpa’s fans wasn’t easy. But one night she just broke down, which led me to ask her if she had ever lost anyone. She said it was the first time and she didn’t see how I could have handled it. All I could say to her was that it gets easier.
And now I think, is that morbid? That death just gets easier? That something so life changing could become just another event that you learn to get over quicker and quicker. And I understand that it could be a defense mechanism. Maybe our bodies can’t handle anymore stress so they just don’t react.

A few years ago I was head over heals for this guy who turned out to be a robotic fucking asshole. He avoided me for two weeks at the end of it all, then when he decided to suck it up and talk to me, he told me he had never loved me and all those times he had said he did were lies. You know that feeling that your heart is being torn into tiny little pieces then spread all in between your ribcage? Yeah, it was one of those. It so happened I had a scheduled visit with the shrink that week, and what started as an attempt to get over daddy issues, turned into nonstop tears over a robot. Miss Margaret told me that losing someone in that way was like having someone in your life die. And yeah, I realized I had to morn just the same.
I’ve seen more caskets than I would have imagine I’d see at my age, and I’ve had many close people die or just leave voluntarily. And although I know death is a part of life, deep down I can’t help be fear that heart wrenching feeling again.
I’ve been hanging out with someone lately, let’s call her Erin. During one of our late night, couch laying talks we asked each other our biggest irrational and rational fear. My biggest rational fear used to be people leaving my world without knowing that I loved them, like really loved them. When she asked, my rational fear switched to being my irrational, and a new rational fear moved in its place. It turned irrational because no matter what I did for my dad, he always tried to guilt trip us, acting like he wasn’t loved. And the reality is that if it weren’t for us in his life, if it weren’t for my mother, he’d be a single mess probably living in a dumpy apartment in East LA. My rational fear turned into people leaving me. Death, change of heart, friendships. And because of this newfound fear I’m starting to realize this constant push and pull between letting myself be vulnerable with people, and hiding it all.
I can’t seem to find a balance, and I’m starting to wonder if I ever will.

Obama would give me a raise

I asked for a raise today and it was so incredibly awkward! I didn’t dance around the subject, I thought that would be more awkward. So I just said straight out, “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something. I want to ask you for a raise.” And as I waited there for his response, he just gave me his cara de huarache. I realized he was somewhat stunned by my forwardness, so I decided to elaborate on why. How I felt taken advantage of since I wasn’t informed beforehand about the companies expansion before I took the job. That although they took advantage of me, that I knew they were good people and didn’t mean to at all, but that I was taken advantage of nonetheless. That the team has done a great job even when we are behind at times because of lack of help. And then he cut in saying I was so against hiring someone else. I had to explain to him (again) that I knew I was hiring for the office and not our team. Hiring for the office is not my job. “well you should have been more open in your communication about that.” Well now, boss sir, open your eyes please, and thank you. “And those are strong words you used, we never meant to make you feel that way. We see you as family and we never want to make family feel that way.” Well boss sir, thanks…boss family sir…but no. If you saw me as family I wouldn’t have to ask for a raise, and you would actually care about my day.

So after all that, he said he’d get back to me by the end of the week.

I’m sitting here getting some work done and watching the State of the Union. President Obama tells a story about someone in the audience who owns a pizza shop and gave everyone that he employs…dun dun dunnnnn… a raise. Sally turned to me and started laughing. “Holy shit, I hope my boss is watching right now!” Then Obama said we should all get raises! Listen boss sir, Obama said so…

Seriously though. I hope my boss is watching and it scares the shit out of him.